Saturday, February 4, 2012

Busy Brain

My brain has been full of thoughts lately and it's been hard to sort through all of them. I'm sitting here trying to just deal with all of these thoughts and I have no idea where to start. I feel like I'm not contributing to my family the way I should be because I'm not working... I'm just sitting here waiting for my appeal with Social Security. They can deny you real fast, but to appeal it... it seems like it takes forever. And there is still no guarantee that I'm going to get Social Security.

It's like all that's going on in my head is dragging me down and my fatigue is even worse than usual. I've been trying to do more around the house and though it's getting done, it's taking it's toll on my body. I hide the pain because I don't want to be told to not do something that I should be doing.

MS has stolen so much from me and it's not fair. I have my whole life to live, I'm only 24, but yet I'm living it like someone who has already lived their life and done everything they wanted to do. There has to be a max limit of what someone deals with in their lifetime... where is mine?

I don't just have to live with MS but take care of the kids and the house and everything else I do. It's like I already had enough on my plate... then I got diagnosed with MS. I'de like to think it happened for a reason and that I have this for a reason... to make a difference, but of course it's difficult to stay positive all the time. I have my times that I'm angry and upset and confused and this is one of them.

I don't know what the future holds for me and I think that's what bothers me the most. With everything that I'm doing to slow the progression of MS, is it enough? Am I doing everything that I'm doing for a reason.... and time will only tell. It's like a game of chance, there is no guarantee of what will happen in the future.

I've been in a lazy mood... not wanting to really do anything but lay in bed. I just want to be alone and relax and reflect on the thoughts in my head. It's not something that someone can help me do... or even point me in the right direction. It is all up to me start moving forward from my scatter brain and live the best that I can. But for right now, I don't want to leave my bed... I don't want to do anything because I'm not "right" at the moment... to be socializing with others. and I don't want to explain why I'm not my "normal" self...


Crawling by Linkin Park

1 comment:

  1. Thank you Ashley for sharing your experience with this aspect of MS. I thought it was just me who felt this way,wanting to be alone with my thoughts, struggling with the hopeless, sinking feeling that everything is more than I can possibly handle. I have been keeping to myself, unable to see friends, unwilling to spend time on the phone "chatting". I work full time and I do my best to leave my MS at home. This is both physically and emotionally exhausting. It is like running on empty every day and on the weekends I just crash. If I spend a Saturday afternoon napping with my cat I no longer feel guilty. I cannot judge my life using the standards of what used to be normal. There is nothing normal about living with MS, so we must do whatever brings us the greatest benefit in the end.