Friday, December 2, 2011

Picked up my results today...

Well, I haven't talked to my DR about my results... but I got them in. The results paper said I have 3 new lesions, since March of this year... and in total I have MORE than 15 lesions, in my brain. Check out what's "lighting" up right now...
In the frontal lobe... behind my "eye" it looks like.
Well that explains things... I was very upset when I read it, because I felt that the Avonex was really doing it's job, but I guess not. It's like getting those words all over again, "you have MS".. except now I'm wondering... okay, but what kind of MS do I REALLY have?? 

I know stress isn't good for those with MS... so I've decided to take next semester off and focus on my health. I was doing really good w/ my MS & school, until now. I just don't think I can handle it right now. My GPA has suffered... and now I'm suffering. It says that the frontal lobe controls your THINKING and your personality.... maybe that's why I haven't been doing as well as I normally do in school, and why I'm a "moody" biatch. 

I went in to the MRI thinking, okay... I know there is something going on... but I never thought there would be NEW lesions... I thought my pre-existing lesions would be inflamed. Hopefully I will hear from the DR on Monday. I'de like to hear his take on all of this... and I know that we are going to talk about switching medications now. It feels like starting all over again, honestly. Here I thought I was doing great w/ no relapses, when I was wrong. I guess it's because these 'attacks' weren't as noticeable as the ones I've had before. I guess that's why I don't get paid to think, right? 

So, since I'm not going to school next semester, I'm going to take that time to focus on my health & this whole social security mess. Maybe now they will see, that I really AM effected by MS. I can't even go to school because of it... that's saying something. If I can't do a online schooling... how can I work? 

I actually wrote a poem this morning... here it is: Invisible Illness... I Think Not 
I wrote one a while back too: Invisible Feelings

Well, I was having a productive day and studying for my finals... and that is now at a stand still. My brain just can't wrap my brain around anything right now. I think I'm in some sort of shock... to be honest. Right about now, I feel like just taking my finals and getting them over with, not caring the about the results of them. 

I know I come off as a strong person, who can make it through anything... I will overcome this but I'm just emotional & upset right now. Right when I read the results, I called my best friend who has MS and just started crying and she just knew what I was going to say. It's like we are linked together... predicting each others words and thoughts. It's freaky, considering we have never "met" each other... but she is like the sister I never had.... something else that's freaky, my name (Ashley), is in her last name... lol Both of our husbands names are James as well. I'm telling you it was meant to be... but seriously, I'de be lost if I didn't have her. 

When I got home, James held me & so did my mom... but they can't really understand where I'm coming from, no matter how hard they try. I'm debating on if I want to even take my Avonex shot on Sunday... why stab myself w/ something that obviously isn't working... and then have to put up w/ the side effects of that medication. Well I'm gonna go eat dinner and just.. take this all in. I'll check in when I have time, I still have a busy weekend ahead of me... though I don't want to do ANY of it anymore. 


Numb by Linkin Park  << Multiple Sclerosis Version


  1. Dxed 16 years ago at the ripe age of 24. I first applied for SSDI at 32. It took me 3 times before I was approved and I had to go in front of a judge as well, just keep appealing, you get retro from the day you applied. I have had "moments" in my MS journey where I didn't want to do it anymore either....the fear ....mostly of the unknown...Dont give up!!! There will be bumps and bruises along the way. It is what it is MS sucks for sure, but it does not have to be the end of things :) I hope tomorrow is better than today for you

  2. I understand what you are going through. I was diagnosed 10 years ago. My last MRI was just a couple of months ago. Like you haven't seen my neuro yet and I have no idea how to read them. But I remember after my MRI before this last one my neurologist told me there was a lot of new lesions. I was devastated BUT he also told me he would be surprised if I hadn't any new ones. It made me feel better. I have felt pretty good and haven't had any symptoms since before I was preggers with my youngest almost 5 years ago. I'm a klutz, occasional dizzy spells but nothing out of the ordinary. Anyways all I'm saying is don't let these 3 new lesions get the best of you, the more you concentrate on them the worse it will be on you. take care!!