Friday, December 30, 2011

Why me?

Why me??? It's something I ask myself everyday. Why did MS come to me? I like to think that it has come to me so that I can educate and aware others about the disease and really make a difference... but then I wonder is that even a good enough reason? There isn't a good reason as to why MS has come to me... and after years and years of research... they are still stumped. I mean, it's not like I'm effected my noticeable "progression" everyday... but I am effected by the symptoms. Every morning when I take my meds, it's like good morning MS, how are you today? Are you gonna kick my butt... or are you gonna take it easy???

Growing up I was such an athletic person... always active and doing things and now I just can't. I always tried something ya know... before I said I COULDN'T do it... but now I just already know... that I can't. I have also been gaining weight because I CAN'T do the things I used to do... I CAN'T be as active as I was... and if ONE more person tells me that there is this "diet" that's going to "fix" me, I'm going to reach back and slap them.... If a "diet" could fix my MS.... then a lot of us living with MS wouldn't be reminded of our MS every single freaking day.

I ate healthy... stayed active... look where that got me?! Do I need to "try" and do more... yeah... do I want to... No. Because I know what will happen and what I will feel when I DO try and do MORE. I can't even stand to fold laundry for goodness sakes... Sorry that this is a "pity me post" but I'm tired of everyone's "fix me" ideas... just shut up. Do I want to lose weight... yes... is working my body out like I used to worth it... No. Sorry, but doing my work outs that I used to do... is not worth the consequences I will pay, after it's all said and done.

Nobody knows what I'm feeling... or what I have to go through on a daily basis... so I'de really appreciate it, if everyone's "advice" would have a mute button... so I don't slap them. Sometimes I wish that these people could feel HALF of what I do on a daily basis... then tell me all your advice again and see how much you like it. I'm 24 years old and I feel a lot older. I understand that it could be worse... but I still ask, why me?? I have too much crap I've gotta do and too many people & things I have to take care of to deal with MS. When I went to the doctor before I was diagnosed because my face was numb... and I had my MRI... I thought they were going to tell me I had a pinched nerve or something.. talk about a slap in the face.. or punch in the gut.

Everyone always tells me that my MS is different than others... especially at my age... my MS just won't let up... it's like... when people ask me, "how do you feel today".. oh  I'm fine... when honestly... things don't really get any better. I still have the constant pain, I'm still constantly forgetting things, I'm still constantly tired... but I don't want to say that, cause then I'm just "whining". Seriously, I think I need a slap a stupid button. I'm tired of sitting here relying on doctors to tell me what to do when THEY don't even know what I'm going through... they only "know" through text books... not actual experience with the disease.

I know as I'm typing this a lot of people are going to feel sorry for me, and that's cool... but don't tell me your sorry... DO something about it... raise awareness.. support me in my fight against MS... do something besides say, "I'm sorry", cause sorry doesn't cut it. And I know that a lot of people reading this that have the disease, you're just sitting there saying to yourself... "Damn, she hit it dead on with this post." And you're damn right I did.

What people don't realize is those with MS, we DONT KNOW what our MS is actually doing, unless we have an MRI... We don't know if we are progressing... because just cause we are in a "flare".. it doesn't mean it's a NEW flare... or it could be a pseudo flare.. or it could be or symptoms acting up... I just honestly think that people need to do their homework on MS before they sit here and try and voice their opinions. Tell ya what, if you are reading this and you don't have MS... put those kitchen gloves on and then put on a button down shirt and try and button it.... or walk around w/ one swimming flipper on... spin around in circles then try and walk "normally"... this is just a ounce of what we have to deal with... this isn't the fatigue, the spasms, the nerve pain, the vision, the weakness, the urinary issues, the sleeping issues, the walking... the hand coordination...etc. etc. etc.

Okay, I think I'm done w/ my vent...



  1. I just have 2 words.....AMEN SISTAH!!!

    Love you,

  2. Very well said!
    Some people really do need a slap!

    I miss you Ringaling!

  3. Haha! I can soooo relate to this vent of yours. I work with someone that said this to me "Well. I have a friend whose ex-husband didn't even know he had MS .. and he had to retire from the military. He had a heart attack and died six months later!" Ok. Really? and this relates to me how? Unless someone is dealing with MS, they just don't understand at all. Hang in there, and I hope you have a much better new year.

  4. I found your blog via msworld on fbk. It has helped me by reading it as I am newly dx (finally in December) and you have inspired me to write my own journey on a blog (never blogged before but hey ho, giving it a try). It is frustrating trying to get other people to understand but I guess why would they when they havent been here. I will continue to read. Best wishes to you, Karen x