Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Bad Day

Okay, tonight post is going to be a really big vent session. I really feel like my disability is not being taken seriously by the Social Security Administration. I am 24 years old… Why would I want to be disabled? I didn't ask for this, and who are they to say if I'm able to work or not. They don't live my life everyday… They don't know the pain I experience, not just physical but mental. They don't know the strain it's put on not just myself but my family. No one will understand how I feel until they walk a day in my shoes, and I wouldn't wish that on anyone.

Multiple sclerosis has change my life and the way I live it every day. Here are some of the I cannots: I cannot cook anymore, I cannot clean anymore, and cannot go to school anymore, I can barely type, I can't remember anything, I can't walk for long period of time, I can't mow the yard, I can't take care of the chickens, I can barely keep up with the kids, I can go out with my friends, I'm 24 years old… And I have to wear a panty liner in case I cough or sneeze. In order to make it to the day, I have to take over 10 pills. Taking the medication eases the pain but it never goes away.

I can't explain how upsetting it is prove to someone that I've been defeated. Right now I vent my feelings using this speech recognition program because my hands won't let me type. I don't want anyone's pity, I don't anyone sorry, this is just the ugly truth. I don't want this, I didn't ask for this.

It really upset me, when I heard that someone my age was on disability for being bipolar but yet that didn't physically limit them. I am physically limited and mentally. I not only have multiple sclerosis, I have degenerative disk disease and spinal stenosis and depression but yet the cannots I have talked about are not being taken seriously in my case.

I can't explain the embarrassment I have when I'm talking to someone and I stop in midsentence because I can't say what I want to say. My cognitive issues have been getting worse… It's hard and embarrassing and hurtful. My body has betrayed me. Everything I had planned in life is no longer going to happen and that's something I'm going to have to live with.

"You can do anything you put your mind to"… Who the hell came up with that??? It's hard to prove how I'm affected by multiple sclerosis when I don't want to face it every day, ignoring how I am affected it easier sometimes.

I can't even take shower standing up. I am constantly dropping things. I don't like to show how multiple sclerosis has affected me because I feel like I'm letting it win. Don't get me wrong, I do believe I'm a strong person… But every strong person has their weakness, every strong person have their moments, every rock has a few cracks.

I can't run and play at the park with my kids, I can cook things just not the meal that I used to. Here I thought I was doing everything right… Where did I go wrong??? I understand it could be worse but yet it could be better. I do have friends just not ones that I can see because they live so far away. Anyone I had near me has forgotten about me because I have multiple sclerosis and I guess they think I'm contagious.

I'm trying to make the best of the bad situation, doesn't everyone? Everyone has their low times, and this is mine. I wish I could wake up in the morning and this would be a bad nightmare. They say "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger" I am stronger but I do have my faults I do have my weak moments and I am not perfect. I'm finally coming to the realization that I might just be stuck this way and hopefully not get worse. I'm hoping that they find a cure in my lifetime, because I have a long line to live.


Bring Me To Life by Evanescence


  1. unfortunatly social security are dum asses literally,they will put someone who is mentally not coping etc on it but give us shit about what we live with,mine is not quiet as much as urs hun,but it isnt easy with the fatigue,sometimes it feels like ive been drugged and cant wake im so tired and weak,we have to be there for each other cause those ass holes wont be,mind u if a relation of the government was dealing with this they would get it instantly,its sux :)

  2. Girl, there is not a lot to say, but i totally understand. I just wanna say - you are not alone.I know it doesn't help you right now and i've been there. People look at you as if you where drunk or something... it's hard.. and neither of us asked for it.
    Hope you feel better very soon.

  3. Ashley,

    Get yourself an attorney, they know how to speak the same "language". It's no $$ out of your pocket. I was denied twice before I bit the bullet and got a lawyer. Document everything. Even this blog is documentation of your daily symptoms and struggles. Best of luck to you and keep your head up! You might want to check out my blog...don't worry, I won't convert you to Buddhism...but keeping a positive attitude is priceless!

  4. Hey Ashley,

    It's Victoria Broughton... Craig's ex lol. Wow, hun, you know I had no idea that you had MS! I know it's been forever since we talked, but I just wanted to tell you that you really helped me get through some rough times back in the day... I know we had our differences but I always thought you were a good person and a great mother. I know you don't want pity or sympathy, but it saddens me to see you have to go through this, you truly don't deserve it, nor does anyone for that matter! Anyway, I live up in Dallas now, but if you ever need anyone to talk to just let me know. My number is 512 706 5209. Hope you and James and the boys have a great New Years!

  5. Been there done this... Doing it again with Health Insurance now. It sucks when you have to do this while ILL! Hang in there!!