Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Reaching Peace

I think I'm finally reaching that point where I'm at peace with everything. Things are finally calming down... and I'm coming to realization that things will never be "normal". The symptoms I experience aren't going to go away... they are going to be roller coaster ride and that's something I have to live with. When others ask me how I'm doing, of course I'm going to say, "I'm fine" because what they don't realize is that MS & it's symptoms don't just go away... You can be at your "normal" level of dealing with MS and then you can be in a flare, or something has aggravated your MS/Symptoms. There is never a true meaning of "I'm Fine".

I don't know what's more irritating... living with MS or having people constantly ask me and expect me to be magically "fine". I didn't ask for this... and it's even harder not knowing what caused me to have it. There is no cure... and that's something all of us with MS must live with everyday. I put my trust and faith in the Doctors and Scientists and the FDA to do what's best for those living with MS. Do we all get frustrated with them.... yeah, because they don't have to live with what we have to everyday. So we expect them to do everything in their power for us, but yet that takes time... and some of us feel like that time is wasting away.

I always think to myself.... What can I do to make a difference? I know that I can't change things that go on with science and the FDA. But I think that I can make a difference in the way people deal with MS, even if it's only helping myself. It's hard to stay positive in the fight against MS, I know this... I for one do not always have a positive outlook when it comes to fighting MS. I, for one, want my life back before MS. Dealing with the fact that I will never have my life back before MS, is a daily struggle... but I just feel that if I do what I can to help others, it also helps me. Hearing and knowing I have made a difference in someone's life, besides my own, empowers me to keep going on with what I'm doing.

I'm trying to enjoy my life that I'm living now with MS. I'm still a mother of two handsome (yet at times nerve racking) boys. I told my husband that I would understand if he didn't want to live with MS with me, but yet he is still here.

I know that people look at me differently now.... looking at me like I'm a fragile piece of glass that can shatter at any given moment. I'm proving them wrong by not shattering in to pieces. I'm being strong, as strong as I can be. I do have my days where I cry... don't get out of bed... I'm silent all day, I mean... I'm not strong 24/7... I do have my break downs. But I make sure that after I have my break down, I get back up and pick up where I left off in my fight.



  1. hey ashley hope your having a good day today .my name is tim and i live in cincinatti oh.i was dx almost 9 years ago and i know what you are saying about not having the life you use to have.7 yrs. ago i got dx. with ppms my symptoms don't go away but.... i try and not say but... but i have learned how to do things new ways so its a new learning prosses to do the things i know how to do but now a different path to get to the same place. hope to talk sometime

  2. Thank you for this blog. I will post a picture of myself as soon as I get to my tech to figure out why Kodak easy share has gone bonkers on me. Life with MS is challenging enough, but computer issues are so cognitively challenging I go for assistance.

    I had MS at age 15 and struggled and struggled until age 32 when the doctors stopped telling me it was "all in my head." Actually they were right. It is in my head.

  3. Ashley I am a 34 yr old mom with 2 small kids from Nova Scotia Canada. Your post is exactly how I was feeling today. I want my life back. I was finally diagnosed 2 years ago after being tested for almost 5 years.
    I have RRMS and am very lucky, but I don't feel like me. I want my energy level back, I want my strength back. I don't want the fatigue anymore. Today was a bad day with vertigo and still having to go to work, I almost broke down because I want my old body back. I would love to just have one day feeling like me :)

  4. Hi Ashley.

    I really appreciate your blog. Dx in 1999, but definately had issues in 1990...when I went to the doctor he fluffed it off and said not to worry about it because "common things happen commonly". In other words, my symptoms were nothing to be worried about. Anyway, I won't bore you with the long, drawn out story that I could make it...I will just bore you with that short little story... :-)

    Anyway, keep up the good work on this blog. I know that it means a lot to your readers...


  5. Thank you so much for the kind words! Y'all are what keep me going!