Friday, January 20, 2012

In a funk...

Yeah, I haven't been feeling myself the last couple days... I don't know what's going on with me but everything is heightened. My fatigue and depression are the two things that are sticking out the most. Yesterday, all I wanted to do was sleep. I didn't want to move or talk or even watch TV, I just wanted to lay in bed in the dark. Do you ever get like that?

It probably didn't help out things that I fell down the stairs yesterday too. My right leg just gave out on me and tumbling I went. It's been doing that a lot lately. I've also been under a lot of stress and arguing a lot. I just want to be in a bubble pretty much. It's just not "me" to just want to lay around in the dark doing and watching NOTHING. It took all I had to even get up and take a shower.

Today has been better, I've actually been somewhat productive, but still in that same depressed mood where I don't really care about anything. My neuro said that if my depression gets worse all he can so is refer me to a psychologist, because I'm already on Cymbalta and Abilify.

Even though I'm tired of arguing with people, I'm still in an arguing mood... like I'm just ready for it if anyone pushes me the wrong way. WHAT IS GOING ON WITH ME?! I really think it's my depression that is doing it and making me have a "I don't care" attitude. I'm not saying I'm suicidal or anything because I'm not... but I just don't really care about anything at the moment.

On top of it all, I'm tired. I'm tired of arguing with people... I'm tired of fighting Social Security... I'm tired of wanting to work and not being able to. I'm just tired of it all. I should have a "WARNING" label on my forehead right now so people don't approach me with any type of bullshit.

I really feel like a bad mom because I'm not "here" for my kids. Like I take care of them and everything but my mind is not "here". I've been putting on a fake smile for not just them, but others as well. Acting like I'm alright and acting like I'm happy ol' Ashley. When really, I'm screaming inside to just be left alone. James wants to take me hunting the first week of Feb. and I actually want to go to like get out of the house and see if it will do me some good, then part of me is like.... why even try? I still don't know if I'm going yet, don't know if I'll have a babysitter.

I've been thinking about putting Luke, my youngest, in to a full-time daycare so that I can focus on me and getting back on track in life and seeing about school. I hate not being in school, but I don't miss the stress of being in school. It was a good choice for me to take a break because my GPA was suffering really bad.

I think I'm just at that point where it's like, I'm tired of people trying to understand how I feel and why I feel that way. I just, don't want to hear it. I don't want any advice on what I "should" do to feel better about it either. I want to get past this on my own... in my own way. Does that make sense? I feel like I'm in a crowded room screaming and crying and no one can hear me. I know the ones that are close to me know something isn't right... but they know I don't want any of their comments at the same time. I just keep thinking to myself, "How do I get better, w/ out changing who I am?" because I like who I am... just not how I feel at the moment.

A bigger question I have for myself... "How much fight do I have left?"


So Small by Carrie Underwood


  1. do you think the infusion brought about some of these changes? for me it makes me really tired and with headaches from a monster for about 5 days. and here in ak it has been outrageous neg teps that i just can't get out and carry my toddler across a parking lot. i too feel like i am spinning around screaming waiting for poeple to say "oh do you need something are you ok" and my pain level was so bad this week that i was yelling at everyone and my husband was clueless that if he helped i wouldn't be yelling. also when you added abilify to cymbalta did you notice a difference? i hope you have a more restful weekend and are able to make some decisions. i vote yes for preschool best of luck i hate to see you struggle i feel like i identify so closely

  2. Oh Ashley I feel your sadness and want to just hug you. Keep writing your thoughts and feelings out here and know that we are all here for you.


  3. Amen sister, I am soooo there!!! Thats exactly how I feel on a daily basis!

  4. The fact that you can express it so well, is a comfort to me. MS stinks. Thank you, thank you!

  5. I feel as though I am screaming and nobody can hear me. I can relate to your depression too. Sometimes I just don't want to do anything. Is depression a side effect of Tysabri? Perhaps that is why you are feeling so down lately? What frustrates me so much, is that we take these meds in hope of slowing this disease down, but they come with a long list of side effects that make some of us miserable. Its a visious cycle. ........ Hope you get to feeling a little better soon. Know that you help other people by writing your story.

  6. It's good to know that I'm not alone in this "funk"... cause I was for sure feeling like I was the only one who had ever experienced it.